Never Walked Alone

Hello… Its me.. I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

So ummm yea!! Sorry, I had to start it off there… I needed to throw in an Adele reference!

It’s been a while! And boy oh boy.. this current season I am in has been a true curve ball, but I am grateful for it!

I have found myself recently lingering on the thought that “I have so many friends, but not a circle of close friends.”

So a little backstory…

In September I lost my uncle. His kidneys failed him while contracting Covid in the hospital. This had to be one of the most devastating moments I have ever faced when it comes to losing a loved one.

During this time, I found myself being the rock of the family and I hadn’t truly allowed myself to grieve his death…

One reason being that I didn’t want it to be reality and I knew that if I allowed myself to grieve it would just confirm that he wasn’t coming back.

The other reason was that I also needed a safe space to properly grieve. I felt I needed someone that I could go to that truly knew me that would be able to help me process, grieve, and/or just cry with.

A lot of people would say, “Just cry by yourself in your room!”. Although I think that is a great idea and I could easily do that, I know that for me when faced with a huge change or loss it triggers me just as the death of my uncle did which caused me to begin to fall back to old habits.

As it did, I truly felt a rush of shame and guilt and disappointment surround me.

During this time, a lot of realization came up that I had to now face!

First thing I had to face was that my uncle truly was one of the only things in my life that I could count on being constant. I knew that he would be at every family gathering at my grandmother’s house. I knew that he would be reaching out to put in his request for the infamous “Million Dollar Pie”!

Now that’s no more!

Not only was that devastating, but so many other changes began to happen and it all started being too much!

I knew I was doing what I love and what God was calling me to, but I found myself questioning why did it have to feel so lonely and hard?

Things just weren’t the same things, and around me began looking so different…

For instance..

What would normally be a carpool to food and meetings just stopped instantly.

I would see gatherings of guys going to one church campus and the ladies going to another…

I would be walking out and see people laughing and jumping in the car together to head to the same place.

I remember seeing this and walking to my car and just abruptly say out loud, “Wow that’s so sad!”, I am walking to my car alone getting in and being filled with sadness, crying while on my way to the campus strategically planning out when I walk up the stairs to the building who I would try and find that I knew well enough to sit with.

To then cleaning up my face, stepping out the car and putting a smile on my face and pretending that none of that ever happened.

I felt like I had hit the lowest of the lows, and then God showed up!

One way He knew He could speak to me was through music. The song “Never Walk Alone” by Hillsong began to play and tears started flowing.

I was a HOT MESS but in a good way!

Let me tell you… This song didn’t make me cry because it was beautiful and I was sad, but it was the words of the song that really hit home for me! The words were truly speaking to my EVERY emotion, thought, and exact feelings I was facing.

I knew that it was God reminding me that even in those moments where I felt alone, ashamed, full of guilt for trying to take control back over my life and falling to old habits, that He was there!

He NEVER left! I was NEVER Walking Alone!

Oh but He didn’t stop there! I had to step away and put myself first and make my mental health my priority. God knew the exact people I needed.

He allowed me to have such a compassionate supervisor (if you don’t have one, GET YOU ONE!) who cared about my well-being and not just work. God also surrounded me with an amazing friend who knew that doing the “12 steps to recovery” was just what I needed to truly heal from past hurts and habits.

God even surrounded me with a group of people that I am able to be active and have fun with every Sunday night after church… (Pickleball is a WHOLE workout!)

God also gave me a friend who has bomb snacks (don’t judge me, but i’m a foodie!), but values people and knows that if I say that I am a 5 on a scale of 1-10, that we need to find a way to bring that number on the scale right on up!

Lastly, God also gave me a Sunday partner in crime who became the older sister I didn’t know I needed!

It’s truly these people who through God have changed my life.

You see, it was in the times where I felt like I was walking alone that God showed me that He was there and brought people around me to show me that I am not walking life alone!

Not only do I have people who speaks life into the season I am in, but I have learned so much about who I truly am!

I learned what triggers me (learn yours and be honest about what they are!) to fall and God has shown me that it is time to start sharing that with the people He has placed around me…

Not only is it important for me to share so I can have accountability, but I know there’s healing in sharing.

There’s HEALING in sharing! Now that’s a word all by itself!! But that’ll be another post.. lol

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely petrified, but I am ready to heal and find true happiness and joy!

God is my strength and shield and I will…

Never Walk Alone!